Ep. 207 Setting Boundaries

[00:00:00] Do you have a few people that just come over to your house unannounced or people that will hit you up and ask you for money? Well, this week I'm thinking of a fact we're going to talk about setting boundaries. Stay tuned.

[00:00:15] Thank you so much for tuning in. I am your host Tommy Danger and this is The Thinking Effect. So we help you do. You're dearly best. As always, please like, subscribe and share.

[00:00:32] And now I've been a little MIA for a minute. I've been promoting my latest musical release, Matthew II, motivation to confidence, Martin II which is out now, shameless plug.

[00:00:43] I had to make sure that some things were aligned with that project so I can get it up and run it. I missed you guys and I'm happy to keep the ball rolling and keeping things going strong. You know, we've done some housekeeping.

[00:01:01] You know, we now have the rebranding because we started out as motivation and confidence but we changed to the thinking effect. So we have the WebDomey thinking effect.net.

[00:01:13] We have that now. As you know, also we used to use the DiscoSessment but we've since changed to the flight assessment and if you don't know what the DiscoSessment or the flight assessment is.

[00:01:27] It is a personality assessment that we use to help you determine what your natural gift is and it also gives you insight into what your strengths are and what is some blind spots that you might not be aware of.

[00:01:45] And I know a few of you have reached out to me to get your assessment and it took a while for me to get back to you. New system glitches, no automatic notifications on a little lazy.

[00:01:56] I should have went in system and checked so I apologize for getting back to your target on that but. For those of you who did reach out, you should have your personalized video response that I sent back with a copy of this assessment.

[00:02:09] If this is something that you're interested in and I highly recommend it because it has helped to change my life in the past few years. You know, just hit me in the link and I can say you is actually going to be in the flow code.

[00:02:26] That's within the notes or comments showing notes of the podcast and you can check that out. What I did a survey on Instagram because I always like to talk about things that you guys find interesting.

[00:02:42] So I had three different subjects in one was should I rent, should I talk about setting boundaries or. You know, just generic motivation and the majority rule setting boundaries even though it's close to ramp also so. Setting boundaries in doing my research is primarily a five areas right.

[00:03:06] So you have physical boundaries, you have sexual boundaries intellectual boundaries emotional boundaries and financial boundaries and. When you think about boundaries like think about. How boundaries were set for you as a kid now I know that in New York when it comes to physical boundaries like.

[00:03:32] Even though New York is crowded we all like to have like this much space around us 360 like we want this much space and when you get. You know in certain areas that invisible circle that surround you disappears.

[00:03:54] And at times it can feel it can feel a bit overwhelming, especially after coming out of the pandemic where we had the whole six foot rule and now people just disregard it and if you on the subway, it also people ride the trains.

[00:04:07] You know, that is they don't. They don't you know regard that so. That's just what that is so. When it comes to setting physical boundaries you know. You know, you have to be clear. And some people don't really believe in physical boundaries some people just.

[00:04:32] Believe in occupying space you know but if you are the type of individual where you value your personal space. You have to speak up about it.

[00:04:43] You have to be consistent about it you have to be clear like I think a good example that I used to or that. I learned when I used to be in the office is like.

[00:04:55] When people like to touch you right some people just you know they all you know put the hand is shoulder and sometimes some of you prefer not to say anything to the other person because you're so afraid.

[00:05:10] I'm afraid of hurting their feelings and in the process of you being concerned for that hurting another person's feelings. You are doing internal damage to yourself because you know that you don't feel comfortable.

[00:05:28] So you have to ask yourself what is it about having a conversation with the person to say. I'd prefer if you don't touch me in that way.

[00:05:38] Or is it because you think that the person is going to look at you strange do you think that the person is going to say like what's wrong with you? And even in that scenario if they were to say that there's nothing wrong with you stating your case.

[00:05:53] There's nothing wrong with you stating your case. You can say you know I just prefer people not to touch me and if it's something that they go on and on about that is another set of boundaries into your emotional boundaries.

[00:06:05] That you do not have to partake in you know it's like saying no is no and I think. You know for me I had to learn I would say the hard way because.

[00:06:19] I've learned from taking the assessment that people perceive me as being a bit of aggressive even not with challenged that because I think. Most black men automatically label as aggressive if they speak with authority if we use a high tone or automatically see as aggressive so.

[00:06:41] As I like to explain to my children I'm speaking with passion when I'm speaking up towards something. I'm speaking with passion and.

[00:06:51] If I'm ever out in public and you know for those of people who don't be like what I'm walking up down the street I literally I don't like people like. Close to me at all like I will switch.

[00:07:02] Sides in sidewalk like I just don't I don't feel comfortable with people being. That close to me and for people who may say like oh well this guy's a little weird that's fine if if people want to label me in a particular way.

[00:07:16] Because I am clear on setting my boundaries I'm totally fine with that you know I'm grown and I'm not worried about. People call me names because sticks and stones. You know the rest you know as my grandma. I'm talking to me.

[00:07:34] And that level of consistency always remains you know. Even like certain trains and stuff like a train pulls into. The station.

[00:07:47] And this crowded like I'll just wait for the next train I think more recently you know in the family now we took a little weekend trip to me and son. And I noticed that you know just being a total transparent I noticed that if.

[00:08:04] My family and I were waiting to get on the elevator and if another family was there. It was almost like okay who's gonna go in first and wait for the next elevator. And maybe it's because we're closed in.

[00:08:20] So some people wouldn't get on the elevator if we got on and you know sometimes well for a second I feel like well maybe doing that because we black like they don't want to get the elevator was right.

[00:08:29] But then I really had to think about it and say you know what. We as a family like we. Didn't that want.

[00:08:37] People super close to this maybe because it's like certain environments that are somewhat confined you know that's the way to do this but I don't think it does anything wrong with you.

[00:08:50] Setting your boundaries especially if you feel as if it's a healthy boundary and another type of boundary that I'm going to talk about especially.

[00:08:58] Going into the holidays is financial boundaries you get so many people that will hit you up and ask for money or ask for favors and. You have to draw the line you have to draw the line you know.

[00:09:19] People will use you as long as you allow them to use you.

[00:09:24] Long as if you're like the ATM to everybody else is like you're the coolest person in the world and again, you know certain people have asked me for money if I'm kind enough to give it to you once if I'm kind enough to give it to you twice.

[00:09:39] That's it if I tell you that there's no more than there's no more I don't owe you a reason I don't care how well I'm doing for myself.

[00:09:48] If you have the will to get up and work and you're not disabled enough as wrong with you then as an adult I would expect for you to do the exact same thing it is not.

[00:09:59] My responsibility to care for another individual that has the ability to do for themselves and that also goes with kids, you know sometimes how kids.

[00:10:13] We as parents we want to give them just because we may think that when we were children there were certain things that we weren't able to afford so we automatically give them things without without the merit just because we can do it and that actually sends them all message because.

[00:10:34] Things need to be earned not because we have. Some sort of childhood.

[00:10:42] Trauma that we have not resolved and saying like oh man you know my grandparents couldn't give that to me when I was a kid so now that I can afford to do it you know regardless of whether or not the kids are doing well in school or whether or not.

[00:10:58] They've done the chores you know especially around the holiday time like we get to this mentality of oh well let's just get it for woman it's like nah like I'm really. Regulals at a holiday.

[00:11:09] I earned it is this something that you have earned have you earned the opportunity to do so and if not then now it's not the time for you to get it okay.

[00:11:22] So you setting your financial boundaries again every person is different but it is totally up to you to say yes or no and.

[00:11:34] If you're the type of person that struggles with saying no actually did another episode very very early on it may have been you know within the first five to 10 episodes I'll put it as reference in an notes and is the power of saying no because saying no is a very very powerful tool.

[00:11:53] But don't feel guilty when you do say no don't feel guilty about setting your boundaries. Physical or financial and if a person challenge you on that don't feel the need that you have to define yourself because no means no okay.

[00:12:11] If there's another subject that you would like to discuss please let me know and I would also like to see if there any of you who would be brave enough to actually do a coaching session for one hour on the podcast.

[00:12:29] brave enough you know one hour you and I we're going to you know go over your assessment and just talk about a challenge.

[00:12:38] Or a goal that you like to accomplish and how we would approach it so if that's something that you're interested in you know hit me in a comment so send me email. Email social media and just say you know.

[00:12:50] I'm interested in on air coaching and I'd be more than happy to share that experience with you. This is the taken effect what we help you do. Deli best.